Another Year Older...

But another year wiser? Unlikely at best.

Been out of school since 2003, and in January I will begin taking classes at Front Range Community College. Am I excited? Yes. Am I worried? Much louder yes. As much as I like to learn, and I feel that every day I don't learn many things is a wasted day, I am afraid that I will not be able to process information that is barfed up at me at high speed by people I don't know while surrounded by people 5 or 6 years younger than I am. Has my gray matter atrophied over the last 5+ years? While I am only taking 4 classes I will still be on campus 5 days a week and it is a thought I am not really comfortable with. I cannot shake the feeling that my feeble mind will be found out and paraded in front of the student body, spit on, kicked and demoralized.

Fuck.

The last several years have given me a lot to think about. I think that I made a huge mistake by moving to L.A. in 2004 and going to school for recording. While it was an experience I enjoyed thoroughly it has done me no real good. I have made no money from recording, and have in fact put myself farther in debt obtaining gear that I never get to use, as well as spending much of my personal time on projects that I have not benefited from. It is frustrating to see people who are less talented than I am making good money recording. But it is my fault because I have no real desire to market/whore myself out. My work should stand on it's own. I guess that sort of thinking is a little outdated but I won't wave my prick in front of everyone just because it might land a fish.


Fuck.

I think about shit like that and wonder what would have happened what might be if I had stayed in L.A. Maybe I would be doing very well for myself and engineering great records with important artists. Maybe I would be broke as fuck, living with 9 people in a 1 bedroom condo, built in the year 1900, paying $1000 a month for rent, working 2 or 3 jobs waiting tables, parking cars, flipping burgers.

But it does no good for me to think about garbage like that. I don't want to live in the past because it is dead and gone, a deer carcass bloated and insect chewed on the side of the road.

I may be scared about what is coming up but I have the best I have ever had right now. Alisha and Vinnie and I share a beautiful home together and we are happy. I feel loved and respected and accepted at home. I work with a great group of guys, all of whom are driven to keep kicking ass day after day after day. They live, eat and breathe tattooing and it shows in every piece they put on someone, or every drawing or painting they do. It is inspiring beyond belief to be around them every day, and I know it has helped my writing immensely to be around people who NEED something that bad.

24. Fuck I'm old now